


what happened to forever?

by wanderinglips



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Cheating, Light Angst, M/M, Major character death - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-15 23:29:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17538359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderinglips/pseuds/wanderinglips
Summary: for·ev·eradverbfor all future time; for always.





	what happened to forever?

Forty seven months. They’ve shared forty seven months together, officially that is. Ever since the two met back in seventh grade, they’ve been inseparable. Then in eighth grade, Ryan had had enough of being friends and finally asked his best friend to be his boyfriend.

Forty seven months.

* * *

It was early in the morning and Ryan had just opened his eyes. He rubs his face, checks his phone, and realises that he’s late, very late. He throws on some jeans he finds on the floor and one of Brendon’s hoodies then grabs his backpack before he’s darting down the stairs and out the front door.

It’s a cold day so as soon as Ryan hops in his car, he turns on the heater to warm his hands up when his phone buzzes in his pocket.

_morning sunshine (: bagel or donut?_

Ryan smiles as he texts back _bagel. don’t forget my cream cheese_ and slides his phone back in his pocket.

This was their routine: every Monday, Brendon would give Ryan two choices for breakfast, Ryan would choose one and bring it to him, then they would meet in the parking lot of their school and walk into school hand in hand. Everyday for the past four years. Brendon has started the breakfast tradition because he wanted Ryan to begin his week with a smile.

Ryan pulled into the school parking lot and sees Brendon leaning against his car with two bagels in hand. He pulls up next to Brendon and smiles at him.

“I didn’t forget the cream cheese this time,” he says with a smile.

Ryan laughs and pecks his cheek. “Good morning to you too.”

“Let’s get inside. My ass is freezing.”

Ryan looks down at Brendon’s ass and says “I can see that.”

Brendon playfully smacks Ryans arm and they laugh as they make their way inside the building.

“So,” Brendon begins, “what’s the plan, Ross?”

“Well, it is our month anniversary so I figured we could just hang out and watch movies in my room,” Ryan tells him with a mouth full of bagel.

Brendon gets a worried look on his face since he knows Ryan’s mom doesn’t like when Ryan has people over, especially if it’s Brendon. She’s the kind of person who doesn’t care whether her son is happy or not. If it’s against her word, she won’t allow it, even if her son is eighteen.

“I’ll lock the door, don’t worry,” Ryan reassures him. A smile suddenly appears on his boyfriend’s face.

“Alright. I’m in.” The first bell rings. “So I’ll sneak in through your window after school?” Brendon asks.

Ryan pecks Brendon’s lips and begins walking away towards his first class when he replies “yeah. Remember to park your car-“

“Around the corner, I know the drill. Love you.”

Ryan just smiles and blows a kiss at Brendon.

They had never really cared about being discreet when showing affection towards one another. Even back in middle school, they would kiss and be touchy and didn’t care who saw them. Now that they’re in high school, that hasn’t gone away. Sure they got some looks, but that didn’t matter to them one bit as the smiles they left on each other’s faces made the gazes from their peers seem miles away. 

* * *

Once the final bell rang, teenagers poured out of each classroom and out the main doors. Ryan walks out of his English class to make his way to Brendon who’s waiting for him by their cars when he runs into someone, sending his textbook and papers to the floor.

“Oh shit. Sorry,” Ryan makes out.

The guy bends down and gathers Ryan’s supplies then hands it to him. “No worries, man.” He looks at Ryan and his face lights up. “Hey, you’re Brendon’s boyfriend, right?”

Ryan takes in the mystery guy’s face and realised it’s Travie. He had transferred here earlier this year, but he and Ryan had gone to middle school together. Guess a few years apart led him to forget about he and Brendon’s relationship.

“Yep, that’s me. What’s up, Travie?” Brendon asks.

Travie runs his hand through his messy curls. “Nothing much. So you and Brendon still at it, huh?”

Travie’s response causes a smile to appear on Ryan’s face. “Yeah. Coming up on four years now next month.”

“Four years?!” Travie exclaims, mouth agape. “Holy shit! Hats off to you guys.”

“Thanks man. It’s easy when you love someone as much as we love each other,” Brendon chuckles.

Travie smiles. “That’s awesome, man. Hey, I’ll catch you later, Ryan. Good seeing you again.”

“You too,” Ryan responds and makes his way to his boyfriend who’s waiting for him in the parking lot.

As Ryan walks out the main doors, he sees Brendon talking with Travie. Brendon is laughing and Travie is smiling while telling a story of some sort. Ryan hangs back a little just to observe Brendon’s laughter. He’s always loved seeing Brendon smile and laugh. Ever since seventh grade when they first met, his smile is what had gotten his attention straight away. It’s the brightest thing Ryan has ever laid his eyes on and his laughter is better than any melody ever written.

Ryan snaps out of his thoughts and sees Travie and Brendon hug before Travie walks away. Brendon’s face lights up when he sees Ryan making his way towards him.

“Finally! I’ve been waiting out here for five days,” Brendon proclaims before pulling Ryan into an embrace.

Ryan chuckles. “Shut up, Urie, it was five minutes. Now, you ready to go?”

The boys smile at each other. “Let’s go.”

* * *

 Ryan walks through the front door and sees his mom smoking by the couch.

“Hey mom,” Ryan says nonchalantly.

His mom doesn’t even look up at him so he makes his way upstairs where he assumes Brendon is already waiting by the window. As expected, he was. Brendon’s eyes were barely peeking into view.

Ryan drops his bag and opens the window. “Get in here, smelly.”

Brendon hops in. “Hey, speaking of smelly,” he begins, “can I shower and borrow one of your shirts? I spilled applesauce all over mine during math.”

“Brendon, you don’t even like applesauce.”

“Hey. When you’re as hungry as I was, you’ll eat anything to survive.” He points a finger at Ryan.

Ryan grabs his finger. “You had lunch right before math!” Brendon narrows his eyes at him. “Anyways, I think at this point you’re just spilling stuff on yourself as an excuse to get one of my shirts even though we’ve been dating for almost four years now,” he says before Brendon could respond with some snarly comment.

Brendon crosses his arms and looks at the ground. “No...okay maybe sometimes but today was an accident, I swear!”

Ryan rolls his eyes. “Whatever.” He tosses one of his shirts at his sticky boyfriend. “Go shower.”

Brendon laughs and walks into Ryan’s bathroom and shuts the door.

Ryan sits down at the edge of his bed which causes Brendon’s open backpack to fall, contents scattering everywhere. Ryan begins putting everything back into the backpack when a certain book catches his attention. It’s dark brown and has an elastic strap around it, keeping it shut. Ryan knows he shouldn’t open it. He knows it would be an invasion of privacy, but he and Brendon were complete open books to each other. What’s written in the journal that Ryan doesn’t know?

He hears the water turn on and begins flipping through the pages. Nothing really stands out, “ _Ryan did this lame but cute thing today..._ ” “ _I spilled juice all over my sweater so that Ryan would give me one of his._ ” Ryan giggled. He knew it. Nothing was eye grabbing until one page in particular stood out to him. The corner of the page says  _09/14/11_ which means it was written last Wednesday, the day they had that big fight.

For as long as the two had been together, they rarely fought. Little fights here and there but major fights were rare. That Wednesday night was one of those rare occurrences.

Ryan confronted Brendon about the guy who he was partnered up with for a science project. He was convinced that he was trying to get at Brendon because it was obvious to him: the way the guy touched Brendon, whether it be his arm or leg, whenever possible, how he always complimented Brendon right in front of Ryan, not to mention the way he was always undressing Brendon with his eyes. Ryan knew. One day after school, Ryan had to stay back and gather work from his classes due to him being out sick for two days when he turned a corner to see Brendon leaning against the lockers. The guy walks up to him and gets dangerously close to Brendon, their bodies only a few inches apart. He leans closer, but Brendon waves him away and so the guy leaves. Just then, Ryan appears at Brendon's side and asks him what that was about and Brendon responds with "it's not a big deal," when to Ryan it was. He told Brendon how he was right, that his "partner" had greater intentions with him and demanded he get a new partner. Brendon told him that he was overreacting and that if he truly trusted him, he wouldn't worry about it to which Ryan responded with "it's not you I don't trust, it's other people." Brendon huffed and stormed out of the school building only he didn't head home.

Brendon writes, “ _I know it wasn’t his fault. I know he didn’t mean what be said. I was acting like an idiot. Why did I have to get high with Travie that night? Of ALL days_ . _We never fight. We bicker sometimes but we have to. We’re boyfriends and it has to happen sometimes, but these big fights are ones I dread and hate the most. I have never done anything like this before. Ever. I love Ryan. I_ adore _him. So so much. I would never hurt him. Why did I do it? I’m so fucking stupid.”_ The last line is what shatters Ryan’s heart. Anyone but Brendon, _his_ Brendon. “ _I shouldn’t have fucked Travie that night_.”

Just then, the shower turns off and Ryan shuts the journal and shoves it back into Brendon’s backpack. He shouldn’t have read that journal. He knew it would be a mistake. It shouldn’t be a mistake, they were so open and honest with each other when it came to anything. Ryan’s throat is tight and he can feel tears welling up in his eyes. He chokes back a sob and wipes his eyes when Brendon appears in the doorway.

“It’s all steamy and I’m all clean,” Brendon beams. He notices that Ryan’s head is hanging and goes over to him. “Hey, what’s wrong? Talk to me, Ry.”

Ryan takes a moment, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He’s still so much in shock and is still trying to take everything in. He doesn’t want to face Brendon like this. Not now.

“I just have a headache. It’ll be alright,” he lies.

Nothing will be alright.

Clearly concerned, Brendon hugs Ryan and proposes that instead of watching movies tonight, they should just nap and so they do.

Brendon falls asleep rather quickly, arm resting around Ryan’s waist, their legs tangled, his warm breaths on the back of Ryan’s neck, but Ryan can’t fall asleep. _I may never sleep tonight_ , Ryan thinks to himself. He can’t stop picturing Travie and Brendon. Had they done this more than once? Does Travie now know what Brendon’s body looks like? How beautiful it is? Has Travie memorised every curve of his body, where every crevice lies, where his weak points are? Is Ryan now no longer special?

These questions invade his thoughts until it’s the next morning and Brendon is waking up. He informs Ryan that he’s awake by kissing his neck.

Did he kiss Travie’s neck too?

“Morning, love,” Brendon says, voice raspy with sleep.

Ryan inhales deeply then responds with “hey.”

He gets up off of the bed and heads for the bathroom. Ryan stands in front of the mirror, shoulders hunched and small bags under his honey coloured eyes. _You have to get that journal and find out if it happened more than once,_ he whispers to himself. He needs to. Even if it will break him more than he already has, he _has_ fo know.

Ryan splashes his face with some cold water and brushes his teeth before walking out to see that Brendon has made the bed and changed into yesterday’s attire that consisted of the same jeans, but Ryan’s shirt. 

Brendon looks up at him with a smile. “You ready?” he asks.

Ryan attempts to smile back. “Yeah, let’s go. I’ll meet you at school.”

Brendon heads for the window, but before he jumps out, he walks over to Ryan and kisses him deeply. Just then, Ryan remembers all of the reasons why he loves him, why he fell in love with him in the first place. The way his kisses make him melt. The way he looks at him. The way he whispers sweet nothings that meant everything to Ryan. 

That was before.

“I’ll see you in a bit” is the last thing Brendon says to Ryan before he goes out the window. 

* * *

 Ryan goes up and knocks on the door of Brendon’s house. His mom opens up and tells him that Brendon is upstairs in his room with a friend. What’s odd about what Mrs. Urie told him was that he had a friend over because Brendon never invites anyone but Ryan over. He walks up the stairs and opens the door to Brendon’s room and sees Brendon on top of Travie and they are kissing harshly when Travie opens his eyes and smirks at Ryan while continuing to kiss _his_ boyfriend. Brendon is too busy shoving his tongue down Travie’s throat to realise Ryan is seeing everything go down. Tears are rolling down Ryan’s cheeks. He’s too stunned to open his mouth and say anything, so he just stands there and watches. 

Brendon finally gets off Travie, takes off his own shirt and urged Travie to take his own off. Ryan scoffs and that’s when Brendon turns around and sees him standing there.

“Oh,” is all Brendon says. He takes Ryan in and then proceeds with Travie. Ryan’s mouth drops open a little bit because not only did he catch Brendon cheating on him, but Brendon _saw_ him and continued what they were doing right in from of him. That hurt him most of all.

“You wish this were you,” says Brendon in a condescending tone.

That’s what causes such an awful pain in Ryan’s chest that causes him to wake up from that horrid dream. He checks his alarm clock and it reads “ _3:37 am_.” 

* * *

 A few days go by and Ryan’s been distant around Brendon, but Brendon seems too distracted to notice. He’s been less touchy than usual and they haven’t been spending much time with each other. This is the first time they’ve hung out in a week 

“What’s on your mind?”

Ryan sighs and fiddles with the grads beneath him. “Nothing and everything at once.”

Brendon continues staring straight up at the night sky. He tries to point out as many constellations as he possibly can. Orion, The Big and Little Dippers, Draco. They use to do this together.

“Hey, let’s go back to your house, yeah? I’m freezing,” Ryan says, shivering.

Brendon stands up and helps Ryan up. “Sure, let’s go.”

The drive there was quiet. Usually one of them would put in one of the many CDs from the rather large collection and they would sing along the whole way, but this time was different. This time, they both stared straight ahead and neither boy dared to speak.

They arrive at the Urie residence, greet his mother, then head to Brendon’s room. Brendon tells Ryan that he’s going to get them some hot chocolate and that he’ll be right back. Once he’s gone, Ryan goes straight for Brendon’s backpack to search for the journal only to find it isn’t there.

Fuck, where could it be?

He looks around and spots Brendon’s cluttered desk. He shifts old assignments around, moves books, and nothing. Ryan gives up and lies on Brendon’s bed only to find that the pillow is strangely hard. He puts his hand underneath the pillow and bingo: the journal. Ryan carefully listens downstairs and hears Brendon laughing with his mom in the kitchen and he knows his coast is clear.

Ryan carefully removes the elastic and opens the journal and reads the newly written page. The page was written the day before. Brendon writes, “ _Ryan seemed...off today so I assume he just wants some space. Ryan just seems extra distant and we haven't touched each other in two weeks. I hung out with Travie today instead. I went over to his apartment and he lives alone so we didn’t have to worry about being too loud that we’d wake up his parents. That’s the best part._ _The guilt washes away once Travie...”_ and that’s where Ryan stops reading because he can’t bear reading any further.

Ryan was hoping his suspicions were wrong, that his Brendon would never do something like this to him. To them.

He snaps out of his thoughts once he hears footsteps coming up the stairs. Ryan puts the journal back in its hiding place. Just then, Brendon appears in the doorway with a smile on his face and a mug in each hand. His smile falters when he sees Ryan, head down and fiddling with his hands.

“Hey,” Brendon starts. He sets the mugs down on his messy desk then sits next to Ryan. He gently tilts Ryan’s head up by his chin and looks him in the eyes. Ryan’s honeycomb eyes were staring right through Brendon and his betrayal. “Baby, are you crying?”

Ryan didn’t even realise he was crying until he rubs his face and feels his wet cheeks. “What, does Travie not cry in front of you?”

Brendon’s face flushes. He’s as white as a ghost. “W-What are you talking about?” he stammers. So he’s going to play stupid?

Ryan drops his gaze. “Why would you cheat on me, Brendon?”

There’s a pause, a long pause that feels like an eternity. 

“How could you do something like this?” Ryan whispers.

“I’m sorry, Ry. I didn’t mean-“

“But you did! You meant it when we fought and you meant it yesterday!” Ryan borderline screams. He rarely yells or gets this angry so this scares Brendon and Ryan both.

“How did you find out?” Brendon asks, panicky.

Ryan grabs the journal from underneath the pillow and holds it up to Brendon’s face. “You fucked him the day we fought?” No response. “You want to know the real reason why I’ve quote ‘been extra distant’? Because I can’t _stand_ thinking that I’m no longer the only one who knows you. I can’t eat, I can’t focus, I can’t fucking sleep, Brendon. I keep dreaming about you and him.”

Brendon is stunned. He doesn’t know what to say. “How long have you known?” he makes out finally.

“Since last week.”

“I’m so sorry, Ryan. I just felt like you didn’t want me anymore and I was upset and it will never happen again. I fucking swear. Please, Ryan,” Brendon pleads.

Ryan drops his gaze and crosses his arms. “I know it won’t happen again.” He stops to catch his breath because he can’t believe he’s saying the words he thought he’d never have to say. They were suppose to be RyanandBrendon forever. He looks back up at Brendon and says “It’s over, Brendon.”

Tears flood Ryan’s face and begin welling up in Brendons eyes. “Ryan, baby-“

“DON’T CALL ME THAT!” Ryan screams as he throws the journal across the room.l, hitting the wall. “You don’t get to call me that anymore. You lost that privilege the day you fucked Travie.”

Ryan walks out the door and leaves the home without another word. 

* * *

 Love is a human condition that is beautiful, so beautiful. When you’re with someone, nothing else matters. Not the sadness you felt earlier, not time, not anything. You are creating moments with another person, moments that no one else in the universe will ever have except for the two of you. That bond that’s shared strengthens with each passing day, with each laugh and smile, with each “I love you” that is whispered. Stars align when the two of you are together, tsunamis of comfort and joy flood the both of you. Everything is okay and you say to yourself, “this is forever.”

* * *

 Later that week, Ryan is lying on his bed with a book in hand. His attempt to read to distract him from the sharp pain in his chest fails. Ryan tosses the book aside and stares at the ceiling. _Was it me? Did I cause all of this? No. I didn’t tell Brendon to go and sleep with Travie that night._ His thoughts keep him awake all night. Ryan stays fixated on the ceiling.

 Ryan’s been going through his days by routine: wake up, go to school, avoid Brendon as much as possible, go home and sleep. Everyday until the pain in his chest decides to rid his body. 

He’s about to fall asleep when his phone vibrates. It’s Spencer calling which is weird because he and Spencer aren’t as close as they use to be.

“Hey Spence, what’s-“

“Ryan. He- I just- I don’t-“

Spencer can barely make out a full sentence. He sounds terrified which makes Ryan’s stomach churn.

“Spencer, slow down. What’s wrong? What’s happened?”

Spencer takes in a deep breath. “It’s Brendon.”

Ryan feels like he can’t breathe.

* * *

 “Hi, uh I’m here to see Brendon. Urie” Ryan tells the front desk lady.

She’s relatively young, looks like a newbie. She scrolls through her computer and says “Ah, yes. Mr. Urie is right down that hall, first door on your left.”

Ryan mutters a “thanks” as he darts towards the room. He stops right outside, closes his eyes, inhales and exhales deeply. He’s not prepared to see the boy he loved, more accurately _still_ loves, hurt _._ Spencer had told Ryan over the phone that Brendon had collided with a semi-truck. No one knows for sure what caused the collision. All Ryan knows is that his boy is hurt.

Ryan walks into the room to see various machines surrounding Brendon and multiple tubes connected to him. His eyes are shut and he looks like he’s sleeping, but the heart rate monitor shows his heartbeat. He looks next to Brendon and sees Brendon’s mom holding his hand and silently weeping. It’s not until she looks up and sees Ryan that she attempts to compose herself.

“Oh, hi Ryan,” she says while wiping her face and standing up to greet Ryan with a hug.

“Hey Grace. How is he?” Ryan was scared to ask that question as he didn’t know if he _truly_ wanted to know the extent of Brendon’s injuries.

She sniffles. “He’s, uh, in a coma. Doctors don’t know for how long but for now, he’s on life support.” Grace looks like she’s about to burst into tears again. 

Ryan wraps an arm around her shoulders as they take in Brendon’s state. He hopes that this is a nightmare, a horrible one that he will wake up from. Ryan pinches his thigh a few times.

He doesn’t wake up.

* * *

 About four hours pass by and Grace is finally getting some sleep on the nearby couch after much convincing from Ryan. He assured her that he would remain awake in case something happens with Brendon and that he would wake her were something to happen. How could he possibly get sleep anyways? Ryan hasn’t slept since their split so he certainly won’t get any sleep now.

He sits next to Brendon’s hospital bed and rests his head in his hands. Ryan mumbles “oh Brendon” to himself a few times. What if he never wakes up? What if he never gets to tell Brendon that he still loves him regardless of what he did? What if... so many ‘what if’s and yet so little answers.

“I’ve been avoiding you. You probably already know that, though,” Ryan whispers to the unresponsive Brendon. “I didn’t want to. I just- I couldn’t face you just yet.” Ryan pauses for a moment to raise his head and look at his former lover in the bed. “There’s so much I want to say to you but it feels as if I have no time to tell you.” A tear rolls down Ryan’s cheek. He wanted to tell Brendon how much he loved him, how much he still cared about him, about his shitty encounters with his mom, what he’s been feeling lately. Brendon was his go-to for everything and ever since Ryan pushed him away, he’s had nothing, or so it felt like it.

He rests his head on the edge of the bed and shuts his eyes, slowly drifting off to sleep with Brendon’s hand still in his.

The next morning, Ryan wakes up, hand still in Brendon’s, and sees Grace smiling at the two.

“Morning,” she tells him.

Ryan rubs his tired eyes. “Morning. Sorry Grace, I guess I fell asleep at some point in the night.”

“It’s no worries, Ryan,” she tells him.

He gets up and offers to get them both coffees and Grace accepts the generous offer.

Ryan gets to the hospital cafeteria and what a depressing cafeteria it was. It reeked of death, Ryan thought. He gets the coffees and heads back to the room when he sees multiple nurses and doctors rushing towards a room. Brendon’s room.

Ryan sets the coffee cups on a nearby counter and runs to the room.

“Grace. Grace what’s happening? What’s going on?” Ryan asked her, fear apparent in his voice.

She’s crying and staring through the window and at the doctors attempting to resuscitate Brendon’s lifeless body.

Grace looks up at Ryan. “He- I was just holding his hand and then- All of a sudden the heart monitor-,” she stammers out before she breaks down right in front of Ryan. He pulls her in that way she doesn’t see him sob silently. Ryan looks away because he couldn’t withstand watching any longer.

The two stand in the hallway holding each other, crying softly.

* * *

 People always say that funerals should be a celebration of life, a celebration of everything their deceased loved one accomplished during their time on Earth, to remember how amazing they were. They never mentioned how hard that would be, to remain in that positive mindset and not feel like you’re walking around with a missing limb.

The service was beautiful. Brendon had so many people that loved and cared about him and continue to do so even without his physical presence. Grace gave a wonderful speech recognising how Brendon’s ambition was to be a music teacher, how proud she was of everything he had accomplished in his short lifespan. A few other family members spoke about Brendon as well. Ryan was asked if he wanted to say a few words at the funeral a week prior.

“Uh, hi. I’m Ryan. Ryan Ross,” he began. “I met Brendon back in middle school. It was in history class and we were suppose to partner up for a project. We were the only ones without partners so we worked together. All it took was that one project to make me realise that I wanted this boy to be in my life, whether we were friends or in a relationship because I saw something in Brendon, something special. Whenever I looked at him, I saw more than just a boy who wanted to be a music teacher. I saw a boy with the biggest heart I had ever seen in a person before, someone who would stop at nothing to help others, someone whose presence alone made you smile and brightened up your day with his laughter. He never failed to make me smile.” Ryan pauses to wipe away the falling tears. “Brendon wasn’t perfect, then again I know no perfect person, but he was damn near. He and I were in a relationship for nearly four years and I don’t regret a single day.” As if on cue, the clouds in the sky that created a dark presence part and expose the hiding sun. Ryan looks up and smiles slightly as another tear makes its way down his cheek. “Whether near or far, I’m always his and he’s always mine.” 

The sun’s bright rays shine over Brendon’s casket causing it to glow.

Ryan shuts his eyes and whispers, “Forever.”


End file.
